


we wore our hearts out on our sleeve

by themilktea



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-06 15:46:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5422808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themilktea/pseuds/themilktea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“This is not the end, right?”</p><p>“No, it’s never the end. This is just a beginning. For you, for the band, and for us,” Lu Han smiled. “You will find me, eventually. I don’t know where it will be, when, for what reason, I don’t know. We’ll never know but, we will. It is what it is, remember?”</p><p>Jongin smiled. “It is what it is.”</p><p> </p><p>or it's a year after Lu Han officially leave EXO and Jongin reminiscing the time when the former broke the news to him and all the good times they had together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we wore our hearts out on our sleeve

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is obviously a fiction. There are some canon compliant but the details of it are completely fiction as I know absolutely nothing happened behind the scene. There may be some lyrics references that you'll find. Also a special thank you to Amie, my mortal enemy:) for helping me in beta-ing this fic. This meant to be fun (and stabbing some pain right at your heart). The title is from One Direction's Walking In The Wind, which is also the song that inspired me to write this. Enjoy!

 

 ●●●

 

It’s pretty loud in the backstage of their Korea Dome’s EXO-Love Concert. On a corner, there’s Chanyeol strumming his acoustic guitar to the sound of Kyungsoo’s voice serenading Boyfriend by Justin Bieber. Jongin looks at them and a line of smile draws across his face. He doesn’t miss the fond look on Chanyeol’s face every time Kyungsoo closes his eyes, trying to get his emotion into the song. He looks at another corner of the room. Baekhyun is practicing his solo song that he’ll perform later and his voice is probably the loudest in there. It doesn’t surprise Jongin or anyone else. Baekhyun is in fact the loudest in the band. When anyone thought no one can be louder than Chanyeol, Baekhyun proves them wrong.

 

Jongin can hear the sound of music that accompanying Jongdae’s solo performance. Jongdae is really a great singer. He remembers when he first listened to Jongdae’s singing, he was totally blown up by his high note. It’s not a surprise when the management decided to appoint Jongdae as the main vocal of EXO-M or EXO as a whole. He wants to watch and gives support to his band mate, but he somehow needs to get himself together for his very own solo performance that comes up after Sehun’s.

 

Jongin approaches Sehun, who is watching Jongdae from backstage. He stands closer to the stage. “Hey mate,” he puts his hands on Sehun’s broad shoulder and the latter startles. He lets out a sigh of relief when he finds that it’s Jongin that stands behind him.

 

“For God’s sake, Jongin. I have a thing to perform later. You wouldn’t have a thought to kill me before my turn comes up would you? We both acknowledge that we have our own style in dancing don’t you?” Sehun said while being—Sehun, indirectly pointing out if Jongin is scared that Sehun might do better than him. As if. Jongin respects Sehun as a best friend and a dancer. The blonde might be a sassy and dramatic person but he’s the best he could ask as his best friend. Sehun has been beside him through the years, even before they made it into EXO.

 

“You’re ridiculous, as usual.” Jongin moves his hand down Sehun’s arms and wrap it around his best friend’s slim waist. Sehun is already used to Jongin be his clingy self. “I just wanna wish you all the best of luck—“ he rests his chin on Sehun’s shoulder “—for your performance later.”

 

“You’re not going to watch me?” Sehun turns, tries to get a good view of his best friend. “You know I’ll be up after Baekhyun, right?”

 

Jongin releases his hold on Sehun’s waist and that’s when Sehun completely turns to face him. He ducks his head to the ground and shakes his head, slowly. “I—“ he clears his throat, as if something is preventing him to talk. “I need to get ready, I need to get myself together—“ he sighs “—you know.”

 

Sehun gives Jongin a sympathy look. He’s one of the people that knows Jongin really well. He knows Jongin is still nervous even after three years of performing on stage, appointed as the ace of EXO. Sehun knows it’s normal for Jongin to need to get himself ready. But Sehun also knows why Jongin needs to get himself together for his solo performance. Sehun knows the significance of Jongin’s solo performance tonight. He knows why Jongin chooses that specific song for his solo performance.

 

If he wants to talk about Jongin being nervous and emotional, he knows Jongin is not this emotional every time he’s going up on stage to perform Baby Don’t Cry, possibly the saddest song the band ever released, by himself in every concert they have. Jongin didn’t need to get himself together when he performed as EXO’s Kai for the opening of MAMA Awards in 2013. But tonight is different and Sehun knows. He puts both of his hands on Jongin’s shoulder, squeezing it a bit as a sign of reassurance. “It’s fine, I understand. I’ll make sure they record it and you can watch later.” He grins, tries to light up the mood between them. He then sighs and looks at his best friend. “I just want you to be okay, alright? I just want you to nail it. Make it more meaningful for you”.

 

Jongin smiles and nods slowly. “Thank you, Sehun”.

 

“But make sure you’ll come back when you should,” Sehun says, attempting to sound threatening.

 

Jongin rolls his eyes at Sehun’s antics. “Alright mom, anything else?”

 

“No son. You are free to go.”

 

●●●

 

Jongin walks towards a quieter corner, not really far from the stage. He can’t really find a completely quiet place unless he gets out of the venue, which is an impossible thing to do. He realizes there’s no sound from the stage, which means Baekhyun is ready to be up on stage. A few moments later, he can hear the opening chords of the song that Baekhyun is going to perform. He can still  hear them, but at least it’s not as loud as his previous spot and more important, he’s alone.

 

Jongin crouches down to sit on the floor. He leans his back against the wall. He pulls his knees closer to his chest and rest his arms on it. The silver bracelet with an anchor in it shines and Jongin touches it softly, as if it will break if he’s not being careful. Suddenly, Jongin feels like everything that happens tonight is meaningful. Of course, the Korea Dome concert, the fans themselves are meaningful for him. Without them through the three years of EXO in entertainment industry, they won’t get to where they are right now.

 

But there’s something personal about his solo performance tonight. He grazes his fingers on the bracelet again. He draws a soft smile to himself. “Anchor,” he says to himself and chuckles. It has been a year (and a few weeks) since he wears the bracelet and he never intends to take it off. It has been one of his things that has sentimental value on it. If he’s exaggerating things, the bracelet is equal to his soul.

 

“Anchor,” he says again and his mind flashes to the incident that happened a year ago.

 

●●●

 

“Jongin.” Lu Han called as he entered the hotel room. He got to the hotel as soon as it was reported that his band mates already landed in Beijing. He just waited for them to get in Beijing while his band members flew from Tokyo for SMTown Concert. He wasn’t able to join due to his sickness. His health wasn’t as good as it used to be due to lack of rest after two years of debuting in EXO.

 

He smiled when he saw the younger already sprawled on the bed. It didn’t surprise Lu Han at all. He knew Jongin and his obsession with sleep. “Hey, baby.” He said softly, slowly took a seat on the queen size bed, beside the sleeping Jongin. He really didn’t want to wake Jongin up, but he missed the second youngest member of EXO. He ran his fingers through Jongin’s soft brunette hair. He missed this. And he would miss this.

 

Jongin stirred from his sleep. He slowly opened his eyes and searched for the owner of the hand that played with his hair. He smiled weakly as soon as he registered the image of Lu Han. “Hey, when did you get here?”

 

“Less than ten minutes ago,” Lu Han answered, fingers still combing Jongin’s hair. It was one of his favorite feature on Jongin. Hell with that, he loved everything that Jongin has. But there was this soft feeling every time he played with it. “How was your flight?”

 

Jongin groaned into his pillow before turning back to look at Lu Han. “Horrible.” He rubbed his eyes, trying to get rid of the sleepiness. “I sat beside Baekhyun and I couldn’t sleep! He is so fucking loud,” he whined and all Lu Han did was drawing a fond smile. “I wish you were there. You respect me when I want to sleep,” he pouted and Lu Han had to resist the urge to kiss Jongin there and then. He said nothing afterwards, just smiled. “You’re quiet.”

 

Lu Han arched his eyebrows and smiled to Jongin, again. “Have you eaten? Do you want to order something?”

 

Jongin nodded like a little kid. “Yeah, sure. It’s been a really tiring week? Month? You know, with our tour, then SMTown Concert, and back to touring again,” he sighed and his fingers searched for Lu Han’s. He then intertwined their fingers together and a wide smile drawn on his face. He liked the image of his fingers and Lu Han’s tangled together. It was like a puzzle pieces, looked complete when they were together. Lu Han had always been his very own puzzle pieces, in so many aspect. “You’re lucky that our management allowed you to get some rest. Well, you deserve it anyway. I’ll fight if they don’t give you that break.”

 

Lu Han stiffened at the mention of the break. He ducked his head and looked at his fingers that tangled with Jongin’s. The brunette didn’t have to ask if he was okay or not. Despite being busy with a packed schedule, he would find a way to text or call Lu Han to get an update straight from him. No matter how much Lu Han insisted that he shouldn’t be worried too much, Jongin didn’t give a damn because Lu Han always said things were okay when it was actually not. “Go wash yourself. I’ll order something for you. I have something to tell you before we head to rehearsal.”

 

●●●

 

Jongin chuckles at himself. He wishes he can block certain memories from approaching his mind. He wishes he can forget some things that has happened in his life.

 

But he knows it impossible when that memories involved Lu Han.

 

●●●

 

After Jongin finished with his meal, he was back to the bed, not to sleep but instead he took a seat opposite of Lu Han. He looked at the elder and he knew something was bugging him. Lu Han usually was not this quiet every time he was around Jongin. He might look like a shy and quiet person but he was not that around Jongin. Sometimes Jongin did think things could be a little awkward with Lu Han but that was when he first knew him.

 

Jongin knew Lu Han well enough to know that the latter was okay or not. He knew Lu Han well enough to know if there was something bugging the elder or not. “So—“ he let his word trailed off. “You said you got something to tell me,” he finally said it. Jongin didn’t know if he wanted to hear it or not. There was this strange feeling in him, his stomach didn’t feel good. He didn’t know, but he was nervous. He noticed that Lu Han had been a little quiet these days, even when he was talking to Jongin through the phone, across the ocean.

 

Lu Han stiffened. He wished this moment didn’t have to come in his life. He wished he could turn back time and call off his decision to— “Jongin,” he called. His voice was shaking. He was nervous too. He didn’t know how to confront with Jongin but he knew he had to. “I’ll be leaving”.

 

Silence surrounded them. Lu Han closed his eyes tightly, wished that he could just disappear in a blink of an eye. He didn’t want to hear what Jongin had to say. He didn’t want to hear if Jongin was going to scream at him or if Jongin was going to sob. He didn’t want to see the look on Jongin’s face, no matter it was a surprise look, or sad, or disappointed or the one that he feared the most; betrayed. He was there when the news of Yifan leaving the group broke to the public. He was there when EXO-K came back from the recording of M!Countdown and he was there to witness the painful look on Jongin’s face.

 

“Meaning—“

 

“I’ll—I’ll be leaving the group—“ he let out a heavy sigh and closed his eyes tighter, as if he could “—too,” he finished it, indirectly saying that he would be leaving the group, following what Yifan did. He fell silent. Half of him wanted to know what Jongin would say. He didn’t want to but it was better than silent treatment from Jongin because the latter was so damn good in sulking.

 

Jongin’s hands shook as soon as he heard what just came out of Lu Han’s mouth. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He had to repeat the same action for a few times, to calm himself. He was obviously fighting with a lot of emotions that was building within himself. He finally opened his eyes and look straight at Lu Han. “Why?” was the only thing that managed to come out from him.

 

“It’s for my own good yeah—“

 

“I know—I know it’s for your own good. Of course it’s for your own good. Not mine, not—“

 

“Jongin, listen,” Lu Han said firmly, trying to get Jongin to focus on him. Lu Han had this effect on Jongin. He knew how to get Jongin to himself. He always knew.

 

Jongin closed his eyes and had to take a deep breath again. “Alright, I’m sorry. Just say whatever you wanna say”

 

“Things are not good, Jongin. At least not for myself. I barely got time for myself. You see it right? I got sick and stuff. And damn, you know well. You know it by your waist condition. It never heals, Jongin. Every time you’re about to get a rest, you overwork yourself. They make you overwork yourself—“

 

“If I need to remind you, we’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you,” Jongin replied, his voice was almost high.

 

“My parents said it’s about time. They—they can’t bear to see me like this. Falling sick and keep on working, they just—can’t,” Lu Han ducked his head, his fingers fiddled with each other. Silence surrounded them again. “I don’t know how to break this to you, if I could, I would ask you to leave with me.”

 

“But you know I won’t ever leave EXO, right?”

 

Lu Han nodded. “I know, I know that well. That’s why I’m leaving by myself. I just want to be selfish, for this one time, Jongin. Just this time, let me.”

 

They fell on another series of silence again. Jongin knew what Lu Han said was true. Jongin knew Lu Han would likely make this decision. He knew how Lu Han’s parents were against his decision to move to Korea and make a debut as a singer but in the end, Lu Han proved himself. He made it into EXO. He was glad Lu Han insisted on trying because if not, how else he was gonna meet Lu Han and fall for him?

 

“How about the members? Did they know? The management?”

 

“I’ve talked to the management about this. We’re sorting things out.” Lu Han let out a heavy sigh. “But for the members, you’re the first one to know because—“ he chuckled “—you’ve always been my priority. And I told myself that whatever it is, you’ll be the first one to know. You deserve to.”

 

Jongin took a deep breath for the nth time since Lu Han broke the news to him. He told himself to not break in front of Lu Han. The latter didn’t need this. He knew it was hard enough for Lu Han to make the decision and he didn’t want to burden him by being a crybaby in front of him. He wouldn’t make it hard for Lu Han. “When will you break it to them?”

 

“After the rehearsal ends.”

 

Later at their concert venue, Lu Han made everyone gather together to break the news of him leaving. Junmyeon just nodded and be the first to offer a hug to Lu Han, a hug to reassure that it was okay, everything would be okay. Lu Han had always been a selfless person so probably that was why Junmyeon cut him some slack. Yixing, being the greatest friend to Lu Han, also pulled him to his embrace, wishing him the best of luck on his last two days on performing as an EXO’s member. Some of them were confused, anger was obvious on Chanyeol’s face, but everything quickly cooled down when Lu Han started to explain things carefully.

 

At the end of Lu Han’s explanation, Jongin heard Jongdae asking Lu Han “What about Jongin?” and that was when he, who watched them from far, started to walk away, making sure that he disappeared from any of the members’ sight. It was hard enough when Lu Han confronted him, he didn’t need his band members threw him a sorry look.

 

When he reached a quieter place, he finally broke down.

 

●●●

 

Jongin takes out his phone from his leather pants. He presses the button and the screen lights up. No new notification for him. He feels stupid that he actually hopes for something. He then smiles at the sight of his lock screen wallpaper. It’s a picture of Lu Han and him, taken when they were in Berlin. He still keeps the picture of them together.

 

Sometimes he hates how Lu Han still has a hold onto his heart.

 

●●●

 

Lu Han and Jongin headed back to their room after the rehearsal. Jongin walked ahead of Lu Han. When Jongin decided to ride a separate van from Lu Han, the members gave Lu Han a sorry look but he just smiled in return. He knew Jongin needed time. He knew this was shocking and if it was him in Jongin’s place, he would do what Jongin did. Like, who could act normally when they knew their loved one was going to leave them?

 

When they were both done washing themselves, they settled on their bed, back facing each other’s. Lu Han hated it when it’s all silence between them. He hated it when it was an awkward silence. He wanted to initiate a conversation. He wanted Jongin to say something but he knew deep inside he was scared. Scared to see Jongin might break down in front of him. Jongin was the reason why he held onto it longer than he should until his parents got their hands in this matter. Jongin had always been his anchor.

 

“Remember when weeks ago, you told me that you’ll never be too far?” Jongin said, finally broke the silence. There was hint of pain in his voice.

 

Lu Han nodded, even though he knew Jongin couldn’t see it. “I also remember I told you that if you’re lost, just look for me.”

 

“Even when I know you wouldn’t be able to be physically there?”

 

Lu Han hummed as the answer to Jongin’s question. “You have the right to be mad at me, Jongin. I want you to know that you can be mad at me, if you want to.”

 

“I’m not mad,” Jongin said firmly. He ruffled his hair and looked blankly at the window in front of him. “I can’t be mad even if I want to,” he paused. “You’re right—I mean, it’s fine for you to be selfish, this time. Your parents got to be your number one priority. They’re right too, it’s about time, for you. I can’t stop you and I want you to know that I won’t even if I want to,” he paused again. He let the silence lingered both of them. “Can I ask you one thing?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Will this decision make you happy?”

 

Lu Han fell into silence. He didn’t expect this from Jongin. He took a deep breath and it came out as a sigh. “I think so, yes. I mean, I got to take a break, heal whatever I should. Also, I probably will gain some weight, so you could see the sight of my cute cheeks again.” he said, about to be between chuckling and choking on his tears because it just registered to him that he would be away from Jongin, the light of his life.

 

Jongin was chuckling too and Lu Han thought it was a good sign. “If you say so, it’s good then. I won’t stop you because—“ he stopped himself from breaking down. He kept on telling himself to never break down in front of Lu Han. He had been crying when he ran away from his group members after the rehearsal, he cried when he cleaned himself, he cried in the van and the members didn’t try to stop him because they were being understanding. “Your happiness has always been my priority. All I want is for you to be happy. If you’re happy with your decision then, that’s it. I won’t stop you.”

 

Lu Han nodded even if Jongin couldn’t see it. He knew. Jongin had always told him that Lu Han’s happiness was important to him. Lu Han had always been a selfless person, always put Jongin as his priority but the latter was no different. Lu Han remembered when he told Jongin that he was going away to take some break due to his sickness, Jongin almost sulked on him but it was not a problem because about a minute later, Jongin confronted him and told how much he was glad that he finally got a deserving break. Lu Han wished Jongin would get one too. He had been worrying over the younger’s waist since he broke down on one of their practice session. But instead of being jealous over Lu Han, Jongin was glad. It was just the fact that they were going to be far from each other that bugged him a bit since he had always been clingy.

 

Lu Han remembered when he was first being away from the rest of the band, to shoot the Back to 20 film, Jongin almost refused to fly back to Korea. He kept on following him until he had to have a serious talk on how Lu Han just staying in Beijing for a film shooting, not leaving his side forever. But oh, how the table turned now. “You’re going to be okay, right?”

 

Jongin closed his eyes tightly. “You want me to lie or you want an honest answer?”

 

Lu Han chuckled lightly. “You know you can’t lie to me.”

 

“Hell yeah, I forgot,” Jongin chuckled too, feeling funny at how he was so head over heels on Lu Han. At this rate, he questioned himself why his heart decided to fall for Lu Han, Lu Han out of all people, Lu Han out of all members in his own band. He could have fallen for Sehun, or Minseok, or Chanyeol and things would be easier but nope, Lu Han was what his heart chose. “So far, I’m not okay,” he blurted blatantly. “But I’ll make sure I will be.”

 

“I know,” Lu Han said softly. “You will be okay because—“ he took a deep breath “—time will heal.”

 

 

●●●

 

“Time will heal,” Jongin chuckles and says to himself. His fingers are back to graze the anchor on the bracelet. “Are you okay there?” he smiles to himself. It has been a while since he’s feeling lost like this. It just strikes him back when two days ago, the whole band and their concert crews went to have a celebration for the Korea Dome concert. It’s sort of a celebration to encourage them to do a better performance.

 

EXO has been the first artist to ever perform in Korea Dome so of course, they are excited and want to give all their best to the performance. Their dynamic as a group, even after three departures of their Chinese members, still can’t be denied. They come back stronger than ever, releasing a music that their fans claim to be a straight out masterpiece. They’ve been named as a million seller after the release of their second full album, EXODUS. Jongin will be forever glad that fate chose him to be in EXO.

 

He’s also glad that fate chose Lu Han to be in the same band as him, even for a short time.

 

●●●

 

So two days ago, they were having a hectic night. Not only they had finished their final rehearsal, but they also went to celebrate it. It was loud at the restaurant with Baekhyun and Chanyeol talking nonsense and Jongdae decided to butt in, so the Beagle Line was complete. Junmyeon, being the most supportive member he is, just laughed at whatever the three said. Minseok was a bit reserved, he laughed too but sometimes it was obvious that he was too tired to have the Beagle Line’s ridiculous talk. Sehun sometimes sassed them, saying that they would be more tired than ever if they continued to be like that.

 

The concert crews, who had been working hard, seemed to enjoy their time too. A few moments later, Chanyeol stood on a chair (even after Sehun told him that he didn’t need to) and raised up a glass of drink. “So—“ he laughed when he realized that his voice was too loud. “A toast, everyone?”

 

“Chanyeol, why are you so boring?” Baekhyun groaned and pushed Chanyeol off the chair. He then took Chanyeol’s place and stood on the chair which Sehun exclaimed that that was the real person who needed the chair then everybody laughed. “Sehun, for tonight, I hate you,” Baekhyun claimed jokingly.

 

Sehun rolled his eyes. “Alright, midget-hyung.” And the room exploded with laughter from the fellow band mates and concert crew.

 

Baekhyun raised his drink after sending Sehun a threatening glare. He then cleared his throat. “So, it has been incredible years with all of my members—“ he looked at each of them fondly “—despite of everything and great years working with the crew,” he smiled sheepishly at the older people in the room. “I want to thank all of you for making this, what we have right now and what we’re going to do two days later, comes true,” there’s a hint of touched in his voice and his heart. Baekhyun had been hit the hardest when Yifan left the group. When the others started raging, unfollowing the ex-member on SNS, Baekhyun insisted on keeping it quiet until Yifan himself left a cryptic message on his Weibo, indirectly confirming his leaving, that was when he finally broke down.

 

That was probably the reason why Jongin and him had a heart-to-heart talk after Lu Han’s leaving.

 

“So—“ Baekhyun roared again. “For us!” he shouted on the top of his lungs, raising his drink.

 

Everyone raised their drink too. Jongin was happy, grinning widely until he looked around and realized that someone was missing. Lu Han. Lu Han. He remembered the celebration they had after their first tour ever, EXO; The Lost Planet had been announced. They never left each other’s side because they were happy that they got to do it together.

 

He almost lost the cue to the toast. He was lost in his own feeling. It was weird to do this without Lu Han.

 

●●●

 

Lu Han and Jongin had been known as the front-men, aces of EXO. If the band decided to make a sub-group, their fans would have wanted them to be in the same sub-unit. Some of them didn’t even care if the sub-unit consisted only the two of them. They had always been _LuhanandJongin_ whether it was on or off stage. They were the dream team and it was the fact that even their band members couldn’t deny.

 

They were each other’s missing puzzle pieces when they were away from each other. They had always completed each other. Jongin is a Korean while Lu Han is a Chinese. Jongin is the main dancer while Lu Han was the lead vocal. Jongin is the ace of EXO-K while Lu Han was the ace of EXO-M. Both of them were undeniably the visual for their respective group. Jongin could be loud at times while Lu Han was a bit more reserved. Jongin hates coffee but Lu Han loves it. Jongin’s favorite football club is Chelsea while Lu Han’s favorite is their rival, the Red Devil none other than Manchester United. This is why Jongin believed that opposite does attract. And Jongin also believed that he and Lu Han completed each other in so many ways.

 

Jongin had always been in a good mood around Lu Han. Despite of having four years of age gap between them, but every time Jongin wanted to do something mischievous, Lu Han, who is the older between them, always up to it. When the twelve of them went to record their episode for Happy Camp in China during Wolf era, during one of their game where Jongin and Lu Han had to compete with each other, instead of really competing, the game turned to them taking advantage to just touch each other. Fans probably didn’t see it but the members always did. Which resulted in Chanyeol, who was in the same team as Lu Han, nagged at him for straight 30 minutes on how he couldn’t believe he just chased Jongin to touch him instead of playing game, protecting his teammates.

 

When the whole band decided to fill their leisure time by playing football, one of their fear was Lu Han and Jongin ended up being on the same team. Who were they to be kidding, Lu Han always demanded to be in the same team as Jongin. They were the dream team. Lu Han is fast, cheeky on field, always knows how to play tricks on his rival while Jongin is very good in defends. The two of them always had a good time (and good laugh over their frustrated members) every times they were on field.

 

Jongin couldn’t remember if he ever had a bad time around Lu Han. Even when he was’s stressing over a practice session, if Lu Han was there, everything seemed to be fine. He remembered when he was’s busy practicing for 2013 MAMA Awards, he nearly passed out due to overworking himself. He had to be the opening act, he had to practice the choreography for Wolf and Growl, and he had to practice the Time Control choreography all over again. But he was glad that he was’s doing it with Lu Han because who would have thought he could have so much fun while practicing hard? Maybe it had to do with some heated make out session after they were’re both done with it.

 

Jongin remembered the time when they were in China, he and Lu Han quietly sneaked out of the hotel they stayed in, in the middle of the night. No one knew, not their manager, not even their trustful leader, Junmyeon. It was just them. It was just _LuhanandJongin_. They went to the nearby park and it sounded crazy. Two members from one of the biggest boy band in Korea, the aces of the group, boldly sneaked out in the middle of the night, without a manager or bodyguard. They could behave get caught by the fans or sasaengs, but they were’re so deep into each other that they didn’t care. It was’s _LuhanandJongin_ against the world.

 

They would lie down in the park and talk about future. Jongin had always known Lu Han’s desire to be a football player. That was’s why when Lu Han was offered to join a charity match or even to play futsal for Idol Sport Championship thing, Jongin would be the happiest because Lu Han was not just able to showcase his talent in dancing, singing and acting, but he could do the thing that he loves; playing football. Jongin remembered streaming a soccer game just to see Lu Han played for a charity match. He screamed every time Lu Han got the ball (and might as well drool over the sight of Lu Han’s thighs, which he practically worshiped).

 

They could be really scandalous too. When a China tabloid made a headline questioning their actual relationship, based on a picture of them whispering at the backstage of Korea-China Friendship Concert. It was stated that there was a’s possibility that Lu Han and Kai of EXO were more than just a friends. They laughed at it when they read the actual article. “This is ridiculous,” Lu Han said while laughing, shaking his head while putting the newspaper on the tea table in front of him. In his lap, there was’s Jongin sitting, wrapping his arms around Lu Han’s neck. He had his head on top of Lu Han’s, looked like a very clingy…koala (according to Sehun). “This is just a picture of me whispering onto Jongin’s ears.”

 

The room fell into a complete silence at Lu Han’s words. “Sure, mate—“ Chanyeol took a glance at the headline. “We should just send them pictures of two of you now, and let’s see what you’re going to say. That whisper thing is completely nothing,” he said deadpanned. “I get it.”

 

Jongin immediately raised his head. “You’re just jealous.”

 

Lu Han let out a soft laughed. The pout on Jongin’s face was visible and as ridiculous as it sounded, Lu Han looked at them fondly. He tightened his hold on Jongin’s waist, while burying his face on Jongin’s back, exhaled the fresh scent of the younger’s clothes. He laughed when Jongin and Chanyeol started to bicker.

 

“You’re the reason why we’re losing on that game!” Chanyeol exclaimed.

 

“Not my fault when Lu Han can’t resist me!”

 

“You could refuse to fight against Lu Han.”

 

“Not my fault that I can’t turn Lu Han down!”

 

“You’re the reason why I can’t sleep on that one night!”

 

“Not my fault when Lu Han is so good in giving me pleasure!”

 

“Oh my God,” Lu Han said, still laughing, his body vibrated against Jongin. He buried his face into Jongin’s sweater more before looking up at the younger. “You could have just shut up about that, Jongin”.

 

Jongin turned to Lu Han. “That’s a compliment, Lu Han. You are most welcome.”

 

Lu Han rolled his eyes. “Alright, whatever.”. He crooked his neck towards Jongin. “Come here, baby”. And Jongin obeyed. He pressed his lips against Lu Han’s and they smiled against each other’s lips. They forgot they actually had audiences.

 

“Ridiculous my ass,” Sehun muttered before he threw a cushion to the lovebirds.

 

●●●

 

Jongin sits still in his current spot, accompanied by the music from Sehun’s solo performance. He slides his finger across his phone screen. He has a special album just for the photos of him and Lu Han. Always has and always will. He slides the notification bar to see if he has new notification but there’s none.

 

He continues to slide across the screen. He stumbles to the picture they took at the last time they were together.

 

●●●

 

They had an extra day to stay in Beijing before they headed back to Korea. Their very first tour just ended last night and this marked their break after—Jongin forgot when was the last time he had an actual rest was. He just lied in bed since he woke up from his (probably) fifth nap of the day. The spot beside him was empty. He thought Lu Han was already leaving, but then he saw the elder’s luggage and he sighed out of relief. He was’s not ready to let him go. He would never bee never will.

 

He stirred when he heard the sound of the door’s click. He crooked his neck to see Lu Han, in fresh clothes, walked into the room. He brought some foods with him, Jongin could smell it.

 

“I was out to see the members. I was about to ask you too but I didn't have the heart to wake you up. You looked tired, you looked like you really needed all those sleeps,” Lu Han said as he put the plastic that contained their dinner on the table. “I brought us dinner,” he looked at Jongin, who stared at him intensely from the bed. Lu Han couldn’t predict what was’s in Jongin’s mind.

 

“I’m going back tomorrow.”

 

Lu Han smiled. He nodded and look at Jongin. “You all will,” he walked towards the bed and carefully took a seat on it. He tried to not to get too close to Jongin. “Now, will you clean yourself or at least wash your face? We’re going to eat out dinner together, yeah?” he said softly. He knew Jongin was in his most fragile state. He knew what made the younger a bit emotional. This was their last night together, before the band continued their journey without him.

 

Jongin rolled his eyes and huffed out of protest, but he still obeyed. Because it was’s Lu Han and he would never let Lu Han down.

 

After Jongin was done cleaning himself, they had their dinner, both of them were quiet as if they never knew each other. When they were’re done with dinner, they sat it at their room’s balcony, enjoying the scenery in front of them.

 

“I’m going back tomorrow,” Jongin said the same phrase he said few hours ago. He didn’t look at Lu Han, he just waited for the response.

 

Lu Han hummed his voice and nodded. “I know, and you all will,” he gave the same exact answer. “And I’m sorry I couldn’t fly along too,” he stated and it almost came out as whisper but it was’s still audible. He knew Jongin heard it because when he looked at his side, Jongin was already closing his eyes, probably tried to contain his own emotion.

 

“Don’t be sorry,” Jongin said, eyes still on the scenery in front of him instead of Lu Han. “I already give you a permission to be selfish, don’t make me take it back,” he chuckled, tried to joke around but both of them knew better. No matter how he insisted that he was’s okay, they both knew they were not okay. “Promise me you will take care of yourself. If you want to do anything, comeback or anything, make sure you are fully healthy,” he paused. “Heal whatever you should.”.

 

Lu Han just nodded in response. He had always been the one that was ’s more reserved between the two of them. He took a deep breath before he spoke. “It’s crazy isn’t it? All those years we have together,” he chuckled and shook his head. He had such a crazy years with EXO. Since pre-debut until the last day of their tour, everything felt like a dream. It was his dream. It had’s been a great journey for him. Even more great when he met Jongin and had him in his journey.

 

Jongin nodded. “Insane if I have to say,” he paused. His fingers were shaking and he decided that they should fiddle with each other’s. Lu Han saw that and he slowly took Jongin’s left hand in his right, intertwined their fingers together. Perfect puzzle pieces; that was’s what they always thought every time their fingers laced together. Jongin finally calmed. “It’s insane isn’t it? We used to be nobody but now, almost the whole world know us. There are people who look up to us,” he smiled.

 

Lu Han hummed in agreement. “But it felt less insane when you’re with me. Remember when they decided to put us as the front-men for EXO? I couldn’t believe it you know. It’s like—we made it. We really made it.”. He smiled while reminiscing the good old time. “It was insane to think that I’d be a front-man of a band when I don’t know if I was worth it. But when I know you would too, it felt less insane. It’s like—“ he tried to find the right word “—I know I could do it. With you”.

 

“It’s been an amazing journey with you. The aces, the dream team, we had some good times didn’t we?” Jongin paused when he remembered the reality. “Well, I hope you did.o”.

 

“My decision had nothing to do with you or any good times we had. It’s never about you or the members. It’s about me.” Lu Han squeezed their intertwined fingers. At this rate, he probably wouldnn’t let themit go but he had to. He knew that. Reality checked. “I—“ he paused. “Thank you. Thank you for being with me along this insane journey. I might quit but I will always be grateful to the fact that I had my own chance to be in EXO. To know all of you—“ he squeezed Jongin’s hand and hold onto them tighter than ever “—to know you.”. He chuckled, his sight was blurred by the tears that already formed without his permission. Jongin was his strength, always had been and always would be.

 

“Lu Han—“

 

“No, listen to me,” the elder said firmly. “I—I don’t know if I could go longer without you, you know? I don’t remember telling you this but you’re the reason why I hold on for longer time. I don’t know how it would be if you are not the front-man along with me. You have always been my strength.” he smiled but there was’s a hint of pain in it. Goodbye was painful. “I’m a very shy person,” he said.

 

Jongin chuckled and smirked to himself.

 

“But you helped me to be shameless. A bit.” Lu Han turned to look at Jongin. He wiped the tears that were’s threatening to fall. He didn’t need to cry in front of Jongin. That was’s not the image of him that he wanted Jongin to see on their last night together. It was’s not an odd fact about how Lu Han hads always been reserved among EXO members despite of him being the ace of EXO/EXO-M. He was’s not as loud as Baekhyun, his variety skill was not as great as Chanyeol and he solely depended on his singing and dancing skill.

 

But Jongin had always been there to help him to be more recognized. When the whole band went to a variety show like Happy Camp, Jongin never forgot to pull Lu Han to the front when he realized the latter backed himself willingly. When the MCs asked him to do something, Jongin always had his back encouraged him that he could do it. He would’ll whisper some encouraging things to Lu Han. Even when Jongin couldn’t play the game due to his back injury, he was there to cheer on Lu Han and only Lu Han (which the other members were quite jealous of). When they won an award on that one award show back then, Jongin pulled him to the front even when he was’s not the only member at the back, even when Lu Han had to squeeze between Jongin and Kyungsoo.

 

“We promise to have each other back, remember?” Jongin squeezed their intertwined fingers. “Speaking of that, who will be my personal translator after this?” he asked, finally turning his head to see Lu Han. A soft smile formed on his face. Lu Han had always been his very own translator. They dido have their own translator, hired by the company but every time Jongin needed one, Lu Han would always be the first to rescue. He’d pull Jongin to his side quickly and translated whatever the MCs said (it might or might not have to do with him wanted to be close to Jongin all the time).

 

It was’s wild, Jongin thought. Sometimes Lu Han would purposely whispering hotly into his ear, letting his hot breath linger at the back of his ear, or his neck. Sometimes Lu Han would blatantly remind him to say ‘I love you’ to fans but he knew Lu Han knew that he never forgot to say that. It was’s Lu Han being sneaky and tried to claim his love in front of thousands of fans. Sometimes he could sense the possessiveness every time Lu Han whispered things at him. Probably the China tabloid that claimed them to be more than friends over a picture of them whispering wasn’t ridiculous at all.

 

“Yixing—“ Lu Han looked back at Jongin. “Yixing will help you.”

 

“Yixing and you give me a different vibe, you know that right?”

 

“You like being teased don’t you?” Lu Han teased him. The atmosphere between them had been lighter. Lu Han thought it was’s a good sign. It was’s hard to let Jongin go and he was’s glad that Jongin didn’t make it harder for him. He could see the brunette tried. He started his opening ment on their first TLP show in Beijing by expressing how happy he was to be at Lu Han’s hometown. He stated that specifically and turned to him while grinning widely. And Jongin barely left his side for the last two show of their tour. Lu Han knew it was’s hard but kudos to him, he did it anyway.

 

“Yixing will take care of you. I’ll make sure all of them will,” his thumb brushed over Jongin’s delicate skin. He would ill miss this. He would miss Jongin.

 

Jongin looked at their hands that tangled together. “We failed to make it, didn’t we?”

 

Lu Han raised his eyebrows. “Well, I thought we—“

 

“I mean us,” Jongin cut quickly. “Us, the two of us—you and me, this relationship— what we have right now,” he said, his voice wavered, and there was’s a hint of sadness in it. And probably pain. He didn’t look atup to Lu Han. He couldn’t do that.

 

Lu Han squeezed their hand for the nth time of the night. He didn’t expect that from Jongin. He never thought this would be the end to them, to _LuhanandJongin_. “Jongin—“ he cleared his throat. It felt like it’s hard to talk about this. He felt like there was’s a lump in his throat but he needed to clear this up. “You know—the fact that we can sit here then say goodbye, mean we’ve already won.”

 

Jongin’s head snapped to look at Lu Han. Confusion was visible on his face despite of the night being darker than usual, without the moon lighten the sky.

 

“Because the necessity for the apologies between us—“ Lu Han took a deep breath “—there is none. Because we’re ready to let go,” his lips cracked a soft smile. ‘Of each other’ he wanted to say that, but he decided it was’s better to keep it to himself. He then let the silence lingered between the two of them. He could hear the melody of Jongin’s breathing, holding his emotion inside. Lu Han couldn’t imagine if it was’s not Jongin that he was’s dealing right now. He was’s being really selfless, tried to make everything easier for Lu Han. “Anyway,” he finally broke the silence. Lu Han used his free hand (the other one still hadn’t let Jongin’s hand go) and tried to find something in the pocket of his sweatpants. He smiled when he finally found what he was’s searching for.

 

He took out a bracelet that had an anchor pendant on it. “Give me your hand.”

 

Jongin was too confused to process everything so he just handed his free hand to Lu Han. It was weird when Lu Han had to let go of his hand to wear him the bracelet. Jongin took a look at it, it was’s beautiful. That was’s when he realized that Lu Han had the same bracelet, except he had the rope that shaped as infinity sign. “Is this a matching bracelet?” Jongin asked bluntly.

 

Lu Han smiled and took Jongin’s hand back on his. He squeezed their hands, intertwined the fingers like where they should be. He nodded. “You know, I’ve read on the internet, they say, rope and anchor are the sign of stability and security,” he explained, chuckling when Jongin still had that confusion drew all over his face. “You know the image of an anchor being wrapped with a rope?” he didn’t wait for Jongin to respond to continue. “They called it as a fouled anchor. And when at sea, having a fouled anchor is bad, since it’s extremely insecure and highly unstable”.

 

Jongin rolled his eyes. “You think I study nautical?”

 

The elder laughed softly. “If you look at the anchor on your wrist, no rope wraps it does it? Because the rope is—“ he raised his left hand “—here.”

 

“Alright—“

 

“You will always be my anchor Jongin. You complete me, you stabilize me. We’ve always been in sync. You make me want to stay. You anchored me. You know that?”

 

Jongin just hummed. “Then do you know what are you to me?”

 

“What is it?”

 

“My compass,” Jongin smiled, feeling proud at his answer. When he saw Lu Han opened his mouth to question him, he immediately cut off. “You always guide me when I’m lost, when I’m trapped in the dark, when I’m feeling miserable. You were there, to guide me, to bring me the light. It’s like—“ he took a deep breath “—I am a lost ship and you are the compass.”.

 

Lu Han cleared his throat, trying to fight the tears that were’s threatening to fall again. He realized now, it was ’s really hard to let Jongin go. He loved Jongin so much. They loved each other so much. “I’m—“ he shook his head. “You said you don’t study nautical”.

 

“Ship and compass are a common thing”.

 

“You know, when I think again, you could be the rose to my dagger.”

 

Jongin let out a soft laugh and shook his head. He caressed Lu Han’s hand. “Quit it, last time I check, you were’re never this deep.”

 

“Do I need to remind you I’m always deep into you?” Lu Han said. “Pun intended,” he continued and smirked to himself.

 

“Lu Han!!!” Jongin groaned and covered his face with his free palm. He could feel his face was burning despite it was’s been a windy night. He couldn’t believe Lu Han said that.

 

The elder laughed at the sight of embarrassed Jongin. He always liked to see Jongin like that. It was’s really endearing (when everything that Jongin did was literally endearing to him). He was’s glad they were’re still able to have a good laugh. “Goodbye is bittersweet,” he said and Jongin uncovered his face.

 

Jongin nodded. “Yeah, at least, we could reminisce the good times. We do have a good time. Goodbye is hard but we know there’s pro and cons in it, right?” he squeezed their hands, to let Lu Han knew that everything would be fine. He would be fine. It was’s bittersweet to take a break from each other in exchange of Lu Han recovering himself. At least he knew Lu Han would be happy and fine with his decision. He promised himself that if Lu Han was happy then so he would be. “This is not the end, right?”

 

“No, it’s never the end. This is just a beginning. For you, for the band, and for us,” Lu Han smiled. “You will find me, eventually. I don’t know where it will be, when, for what reason, I don’t know. We’ll never know but, we will. It is what it is, remember?”

 

Jongin smiled. “It is what it is.”

 

●●●

 

After Lu Han left EXO, Jongin held onto his words. He supported every single thing that Lu Han dido. He even forced Sehun to tell him where to download (Chinese) movies, which of course all Sehun did was complaining.

 

“Why don’t you try to find it by yourself? You literally got six MacBook(s) from your fans. Only. Do I even need to count the number of cell phones you own since debut until now?” Sehun sassed him instead of helping. Jongin knew Sehun would never be the person he should gocome for help but he also knew the other hyungs would just side-eyed him. And he would’ll never want to go to Baekhyun or Chanyeol. Even if there was’s an apocalypse, Jongin would still have a second thought about it.

 

“I thought my happiness is your priority? I thought I am your best friend? Were you lying all this time?” Jongin walked over the living room to reach for Sehun. “We can watch the movie together!” Jongin exclaimed excitedly. He blinked his eyes cutely at Sehun while the latter groaned in response.

 

“Honestly, I don’t know if I want to watch a movie that has Lu Han hyung in it, with you.”

 

“What is wrong with that?”

 

“Everything is just gonna be so wrong. You, and your heart eyes and fucking giggles and all those potential inappropriate comments. On Lu Han hyung only,” Sehun said deadpanned. He honestly really didn’t want to witness all of that. He had enough every time Jongin saw Lu Han endorsing things. He had enough when Lu Han was still in the band.

 

But in the end, in the name of true friendship, Sehun helped Jongin but he never watched it together with the latter.

 

When Lu Han was reported to release his solo mini-album, Jongin was pumped out about it. He literally smiled all day long when the news was released. The members knew the reason behind it and they were glad. Jongin used to have a really hard time adjusting to Lu Han’s absence but they predicted that the two of them had their own way in confronting things, so Jongin was slowly getting himself together.

 

Jongin couldn’t help but to be proud and happy for Lu Han. At least Lu Han still got to showcase his talent and passion especially in singing even without him and the rest of EXO members by his side. Logically, maybe he should be bitter that Lu Han could move on being a solo artist, but he couldn’t do it, not to Lu Han. He literally stuck with his laptop on the day of Lu Han’s solo album release. He whined alone by himself when it got released later than it should be.

 

“Goodness, ‘That Good, Good’ is literally a jam!!!!!!!” his shriek echoed in the living room and interrupted the other members who were’s watching the television. They all turned to Jongin who ran to them with one of his MacBook in his hand. The others started to roll their eyes and Sehun silently cursed under his breath when Jongin decided to settle beside him. “Sehun, I think we should try to dance to this song, with Yixing hyung too.”

 

Yixing, who sat at the opposite of Sehun and Jongin just smiled while Sehun not so subtly giving him a signal to disapprove of the idea. But Yixing was being Yixing, he just went “Yeah, maybe we should. I’ve heard it, it’s quite a jam.”

 

And Sehun just wished he could bury himself alive.

 

“Why are you so disapproving?”

 

“I will only approve if you’re sure you can actually dance without having an emotional breakdown over that song, or his voice or—“ Sehun slowly turned his head towards his best friend who still couldn’t stop grinning widely. “Um has the MV already been released?”

 

Jongin turned to look at Sehun and wiggled his eyebrows. “This is why I’m still with my laptop. They said they’re gonna release it soon.”

 

Sehun covered his face with a pillow and groaned. He un-covered his face. “Guys, I think it’s better if we leave now.”

 

“You didn’t want to hear me critic the album?”

 

All of them snapped their head to Jongin with their eyes widened. Jongdae and Junmyeon had their jaw dropped. Baekhyun literally stopped eating whatever he was’s been eating at that moment. Minseok turned his whole body and paid his full attention to Jongin.

 

“You’re going to criticize Lu Han?” they said in unison and Jongin just widened his eyes in response.

 

“First thing first, it’s not because I am bitter but the second song, why there’s so much auto tune?” Jongin huffed and pouted his lips.

 

“It does?” Junmyeon asked.

 

“Hyung, I won’t mention it if it’s non-existence,” Jongin said, deadpanned. Then he straightened his back against the couch he had’s been sitting on. “The auto tune really bothers me. Lu Han’s voice is too good for that much auto tune. I’m so mad. He deserves better,” he huffed again.

 

The room fell into complete silence and Jongin took it as the sign that his members wanted him to talk more.

 

“I wish there would be a pop or a ballad song. God, his voice suits that kind of songs a lot. I’ll practically will listen to it—“

 

“Alright, alright we know what you will do but we don’t need to spend the whole day listened to your—“

 

Suddenly Sehun was cut off by the sound of Jongin’s loud shriek and once again, the whole room paid their attention to Jongin.

 

“LU HAN JUST RELEASED THE MV OF HIS TITLE TRACK!!!!!!!!!!”

 

And the rest of the band (mostly Sehun and Yixing) had to spent more than half of their day listening to Jongin’s ramble on how good Lu Han’s recent MV was, how great his dancing had been, that he was’s jealous to see Lu Han had been improved a lot and he also didn’t miss making a comment on how hot Lu Han looked and how great his thrust was (as always, pun was intended).

 

When Lu Han released Promise, Jongin came to Yixing, almost cried his eyes out because “God, why his voice is so beautiful. Hyung, have you watched the MV? God, he is so beautiful I almost cry at the sight of him.”

 

“You did cry didn’t you?”

 

Jongin looked at Yixing. He knew his eyes had been looking a bit swollen. He did cry over Lu Han. “I refuse to continue this conversation.”

 

Yixing chuckled and he walked over to the table in a corner of the room that he shared with Minseok. He pulled one of the drawer and took out a piece of paper before he handed it to Jongin.

 

The latter took the piece of paper and look over it. “The new song that you’ve been working at?” he asked before he scanned the piece of paper again. He read whatever that had been written on it. A serious expression was drawn on his face. “Are you in love with someone or something? This—“ he pointed to the paper that contained a song lyrics on it “—is so deep and beautiful.”

 

The elder chuckled again. “I knew you gotta work on your Chinese harder,” he chuckled while looking at the younger who looked at the paper again, trying to process everything. “You don’t know what song does the lyrics belong to, right? Lu Han is right.”

 

Jongin’s head snapped up to look at Yixing, at the mention of Lu Han’s name. “What—do you—mean?” he asked, confusion was drawn on his face. He wouldn’t be surprised if Yixing constantly kept in touch with Lu Han. The elder probably dido more than him. They had’ve always been tight since the early days of them being put into the same group. It was’s not that Jongin didn’t want to but every time he did, he couldn’t deny the bit of pain in his heart where he realized that it was’s hard when Lu Han wasn’t there with him, physically. It was’s hard to keep Lu Han by his side and sometimes he wished Lu Han would ask him to leave too, and he would follow. It was ’s ridiculous and he scolded himself for it.

 

“Lu Han told me to give you the translation of the lyrics, he knows you’ll just understand a bit. He said he knows you’ll be too busy either practicing or sleeping, to learn more Chinese,” he laughed softly. “My bad. I guess I’ll do what I promised him.”

 

Jongin refused to ask what Yixing had promised Lu Han. “You’ve been keeping in contact with him?”

 

The elder nodded his head and pulled the chair from the table, close to his bed, where Jongin was currently sitting on. “Yeah. It’s hard to not to when he—“ he chuckled. “Mostly it’s about you.”

 

Jongin ducked his head. He drew a weak smile on his face and his face was getting hot. Tears started to form at the edge on his eyes. “How is he?”

 

“He’s fine, as excited as you are, about the release of Promise. And speaking of it, do you know that he personally wrote the song?” Yixing looked at Jongin. He felt really sorry for the latter when Lu Han officially left the band. He looked like he lost a part of him. Sometimes, when they spent their time together, as a band, he could see that Jongin was just physically there but his mind was somewhere else. Lu Han’s leaving truly hit Jongin the hardest. “That’s why he asked me to give you the translation. He also said something about—“ he took a deep breath “—missing you.”

 

This time, Jongin couldn’t hold it anymore. Tears streamed down his face and he immediately wiped themit. “Thank you—“ he cleared his throat “—hyung. I guess I’ll head to my room. Thank you, really.”

 

●●●

 

On this date, a year ago, the news of Lu Han leaving EXO finally broke to the public. It got a mix reaction especially from the fans. Some of them were disappointed and they all got it. Some of them had already expected it and not surprised at all since the rumor about him leaving had been circulating few weeks before the news broke. Some of them were happy for Lu Han, decided to support whatever he wanted to do, that he would have time of his own. Meanwhile, Jongin reacted as if it was’s the first time he heard about it. As if he didn’t have months to get himself ready when the news broke for his fans and the public to know.

 

He’d be happy for Lu Han, he always would. Lu Han’s happiness wasis important to him because that’s your priority when you have someone you really love. But the fact that it finally happened, the world finally knew Lu Han was no longer belong to EXO, no longer belong to his side, it hurts him. There was’s no more KaiLu, or whatever their fans called them as. There would be no more aces of EXO, only ace because Lu Han wouldon’t be there with him. There wouldill be no more Time Control, at least not with Lu Han anymore and it hurts because Jongin thought, Time Control belonged to them. That wast’s the start of Luhan and Kai for their fandom, the start of KaiLu. That was’s how they’d been introduced to the public, to the fandom.

 

And there would be empty space beside him for the band line up. He knew Yixing would fill the space but in his heart, that spot would always belong to Lu Han, his other half. And that pained him even more because there would be no more interaction between him and Lu Han.

 

Fans noticed how Jongin didn’t seem like himself after Lu Han’s leaving, Sehun showed him some fan accounts from the internet. It was’s true. Jongin knew he had’s been appeared more serious on stage, or any events that they attended. He rarely smiled, he appeared tired all the time. When the members joked around on stage, or in an interview, it was’s obvious that he tried too hard to draw a smile on his face and if he successfully did, it would’ll just appear as a weak smile. He had a hard time to let the reality sink in but he was’s also trying his best to be better, and it took quite a long time.

 

And today, a year later after Lu Han’s leaving becomes official, here is Jongin, with the rest of his band members being the first artist ever to perform in Korea Dome. They’ve been given the opportunity to showcase their own talent through the solo performance. Of course, Jongin takes the opportunity to make his solo performance more significant and meaningful to him, his fans and might or might not be to to certain someone.

 

Jongin still sits in his previous position, refuses to move unless someone actually comes to him and call him out. He checks his phone again, the screen is still dark. No new notification. He takes a deep breath, swallowing the tiny bit of disappointment in him. He looks forward to see if there’s anyone looking for him and apparently there’s none. Music is still on which means Sehun hasn’t done with his solo yet. He gets himself ready but still hasn’t planned to walk away from there. Suddenly, his phone screen lightens up, an unknown number is flashed on the screen. He frowns but picks it up anyway.

 

“Hello?” Jongin says carefully.

 

“Are you scared over an unknown number?” the person on the other line replies, without greeting back at Jongin. There’s a hint of smile in his voice.

 

Jongin widens his eyes. He knows that voice. He knows that voice that just teased him. It’s a very familiar voice, a voice that he will never forget. A voice that he misses. “Lu Han?”

 

“Whoa, a year later and you already drop the formality?” Lu Han replies, still teasing the brunette.

 

“You remember,” Jongin is about to say it out loud but he thinks it’s better to keep it to himself. That is not his priority. “Whose number is this?” is the best he can ask at the moment. He’s too dumbfounded at the fact that Lu Han calls at the very last minute to ask a coherent question but hey, Jongin is a curious person.

 

“Lao Gao,” Lu Han replies shortly and laughs when he hears snort from the other line. “I have just done with the press conference for The Witness and turns out my phone decides to die while I’m working. Bad one, that phone,” he laughs softly, trying to lighten up the mood. He knows Jongin is in shock. “So—Korea Dome eh? Congratulations,” he said genuinely.

 

Jongin hums in response. “Wish you were here,” he whispers and ducks his head to the ground. His face is hot and he closes his eyes, swallowing every emotions. He doesn’t need to cry right before his very own performance. He doesn’t need to get on stage with swollen and red eyes. He clears his throat before continues. “Thank you,” he replies shortly, doesn’t know what else to say.

 

“You make a great choice of song. I’ve listened to it, it’s heartbreaking but beautiful at the same time. You will make it,” Lu Han says on the other line and pauses for a few moments before he continues. “I FaceTimed Sehun and Yixing. They told me—“ he pauses, a part of him feels sorry to Sehun and Yixing. Jongin is probably currently plotting to murder the two of them “—yeah. Don’t be mad at them, I forced them to tell me.”

 

Which Jongin actually thinks about it. He rolls his eyes. He knows Lu Han more that Lu Han probably knows himself. He knows Lu Han well to know that he said that to cover up for those two members. No matter what he’s going to say, Jongin won’t let the two of them free. “Yeah, as if you would.” Silence surrounds the two of them. “So—are you okay?” he asks, still unable to talk much.

 

Lu Han hums from the other side. “Yeah, but these days had been pretty tiring. You know, movie promotions here and there,” he sighs. It feels like the old time. Lu Han would come to Jongin and tell him that he was’s tired. Because Jongin would understand him the most. Jongin would lend his shoulder for Lu Han to lean on and he would’ll caress his hair and it was’s really soothing. “I wish you were here,” he says it out loud, accidentally. He means to keep it to himself but it’s too late.

 

“Remember what I said, take care of yourself, first and foremost. Don’t let the same old thing happened again. You can’t quit—“ again, he wants to say but he lets the word hangs in the air “—not when you’ve achieved what you want.”

 

“I remember,” Lu Han said softly. ‘I always will’ his heart says. “But I probably need you to remind me all over again, so I’ll take it seriously,” he chuckles, trying to cut the bit of tension between them. Reminiscing the past can be really hard for them. “Call me, or text me if you have free time, Jongin. I—“ it’s audible that he takes a deep breath from the other line “—I really miss you. I still need my anchor to keep me grounded.”

 

“Hyung—“

 

“You have to perform, I forgot.”

 

And at the same time, the music that accompanies Sehun on stage has been stopped. It’s Jongin’s turn to perform. A few moments later, he sees Sehun running toward his direction. The youngest of the group is still panting and there he is already worrying and searching for his best friend. He’s a good friend, a keeper but that still doesn’t make Jongin wants to free him for telling Lu Han about his solo performance today.

 

“Jongin!” Sehun calls out loud.

 

Jongin puts his index finger against his lips, his other hand is still clasping the phone against the side of his face. He signs for Sehun to keep his voice low. He then mouths an ‘I’ll be there in few seconds’. “Yeah, Sehun just finished his solo.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“So—“

 

“Good luck, Jongin. Slay them, prove to the world that you’re worth it. Like you always do. I have so much faith in you—” Lu Han paused, swallowing the bitterness in his heart “—like I always do.”

 

Jongin nods and hums as a response. “And hyung.”

 

“What?”

 

“Thank you, for calling me. This call, I needed it. I need the encouragement from you—“ he pauses before he continues “—like I always do”. Silence surrounds them once again. Jongin hits his forehead and his face is hot from embarrassment. “And one more thing,” he closes his eyes, ready to embarrass himself even more. “I do miss you too. I—I promise I’ll call you after the show ends” he draws the tiny bit of smile when he finally says it. “Don’t sleep yet.”

 

Lu Han chuckles. “Looks like I have to steal Lao Gao’s phone charger.”

 

“Sounds like a solid plan.” Jongin chuckles too. “I got to go, I—I promise I’ll do what I just said. I’ll try my best.”

 

“Good luck, again. I’m sending you all the love from here.”

 

Jongin grins to himself. _“Goodbye is bittersweet,”_ he remembers what Lu Han said in their last night together. And Jongin gets it now. He doesn’t want to say it but he has to. “I got it. Bye.”

 

With that, both of them hang up the phone. Jongin runs towards the stage and he hands Sehun, who waits for him, his phone. The blonde gives him a genuine and meaningful smile. He knows. He knows Lu Han will be calling Jongin. “I can’t believe you do this to me,” Jongin said.

 

“It’s your time to shine on stage, son,” Sehun says, grinning widely completely ignoring what Jongin said id previously.

 

Jongin huffs and walked up the stairs to be on stage. The lights are off and the fans start screaming. Jongin looks up and he sees thousands of light sticks being waved signaling the fans’ excitement. He takes his breath, getting into the mood.

 

 _“I have so much faith in you—like I always do,”_ he remembers what Lu Han said just now. He takes another deep breath. Lu Han has always been his strength. He remembers all those time where Lu Han would be the one who came up to him, took Jongin’s hand in his and squeezed them together, as if he let his own strength flowed into him. He would be the one who will whispered encouraging words to Jongin. He would be the one who pulled Jongin into his warm and tight embrace, and said everything will be alright, said that Jongin will make it.

 

A year ago, Lu Han left, took a half of himself with him because he has been Jongin’s own missing puzzle pieces. Always have and always will. A year later, which is today, Jongin will stand on stage, making it as his own, finally saying goodbye. _“Goodbye is bittersweet.”_

 

“This is not the end.” Jongin said to himself. Goodbye isn’t forever. He won’t be leaving, he won’t let Lu Han sink without the anchor. This goodbye means he has accept the reality, this goodbye means there’s truly no necessity for apologies between them. Lu Han can stop saying sorry for leaving and he can stop being sorry for thinking that he’s making it all hard on Lu Han. This goodbye will be the end for the old chapter of their story and the beginning for the new one.

 

When the first chord of G.Soul’s Beautiful Goodbye starts playing, the crowds roar in excitement. A single light shines on Jongin. The fans start to chant his name. The rush of adrenaline flows into every part of his body. He will give his best to the fans, to himself, to Lu Han. Goodbye is bittersweet, because the goodbye that happened between the two of them, will be a beautiful one and Jongin will make it. He will because he might have fallen for countless time, but his hardest fall is Lu Han and he’ll make it worth.

 


End file.
